Friday, June 26, 2009

i can go far

I am quite disappointed in myself.

because i know where my weaknesses are, yet i never do something about it. and my greatest weakness, would be my self-doubt and self-criticism.

i always try to give positive insight into things around me. but not enough to be positive about myself.

whenever i am ready to set foot embarking on the journey in fulfilling my goal, I would start sensing the doubts creeping in, clouding my judgement.

"are you good enough?" "don't be stupid" "you are making a fool of yourself" "you are not born to do this".

What can I say, self-doubt and self-criticism have been with me all along however I wanted to get rid of them.. they already become a part of me. Whenever I feel great at something i am doing, or feeling great with myself, there must be something there threatening to bring me down.

I understand that without me believing in myself, i cannot convince others to do the same. I know what my capabilities are, but how far i can go, how good i am, i am not sure. I guess this is where the doubts come in. and when doubts kicking in, things would go the other way round to my liking.

I understand that without trying, one will never know. I never did. I never try hard enough. Because in the end fear and doubt always take over. I beat myself, and i let myself down. For instance, I am very much interested in emceeing, and would love to make it as my freelance profession. I said it again and again, to my family, and to some of my friends. but apart from getting my namecard printed, i did nothing to promote myself. why? doubt is there coz I am good but not good enough. doubt is there because i CARE of how others would see me. "yeah right, as if you have that LOOK for an emcee". well, I do agree, most emcees are hot and emcee very well, they are born to do it. I, on the other hand, is not hot yet I believe i can emcee well.
and also if you say i am lousy, without exposing to experiences, how in the world will I improve? people grow i know, and i know i can too. it's just that i need to beat that self-doubt of mine that is caused by me who cared so much of how others see me.

i understand that people are people and I am me. but still i always care how others see me. which, makes me lose me in public. which caused me "building" up a "me" that is not "me" in the presence of others. that is why i always hear people saying that i am too serious-looking, proud, or whatever that sort. well, they will never know me until they get to know me. coz that was me in disguise, to make myself appear controlled and poised in public. and yes, I prefer to be in control of my environment. when i don't i tend to get tensed up which leads me becoming... stiff and boring, according to some people.

let me ask u a question here.. have you ever see me danced (swaying to music anywhere i am at), laughed loudly (real loud) and being talkative in your presence? if you did, then yes, i feel comfortable around you, and I believe you and I see you as a friend.

i am me, when i am with my friends, friends i trust and comfortable with.. and of coz, my family, and also when i am alone.

i am me, when i am in public and doing things i enjoy doing (in this case, presentations, emceeing). because i know i am good and i enjoy being on stage with all eyes on me; because i am there and i know i can impress the people i am presenting to.

but getting off stage, it is a different story.

"believe in yourself"

i can go far.

1 comment:

  1. I feel the same as you also but any way we still need to go thru any obstacle. Life must go on